Featured Artist of the Week: Jacob
Sunday April 12, 2015
This biography has been meticulously investigated, proven, and backed by scholars, historians, and professor X to be true. Or I'll punch you in the face...
Born into a city called Atlantis, I caused contractions in my mother which sent tremors throughout the entire civilization. I crowned through the birth canal with a great explosion which killed my shaman instantly and hurled Atlantis gargling into the sea. Once I hit the water it burst into flames. Where as a new born infant I swam thousands of miles in an ocean of fire towing my mother behind me with my own umbilical cord, battling all sorts of evils such as mermaids, the New York Yankees and Giants, Klingons, and Poseidon along the way. Once I reached land I pulled my cord to find not my mother, but a great white shark. At this point I know I'm on my own, and I'll have to support myself. So I punched the shark in the face until it died from natural causes, and made it into a suit and briefcase to go looking for a job. I crawled 5 feet until I taught myself to walk. Then I tracked down a dragon and turned in my application for the open ninja position. I was personally hired by Mr. Miagi to put and end to the Karate Kid's reign of terror. After centuries of killing every thing I wanted such as the dinosaurs, (all of them) the Backstreet boys & N'Sync, (your welcome) the Atari, Koopa, Megatron, Skeletor, Osama Bin Ladin, skinny jeans, hot pink, (the color) left handed people, the Roman Empire, VCR and Tape decks, and legions of N00bs! Challenged to a bare knuckle tag team checkers match by Chuck Norris and the most interesting man in the world. Chuck became furious when he had to king me and punched me in the face and died instantly, as for the most interesting man... He later died of his wounds as a result of my double jumps. Only later did I discover they were collectively my father, also Wolverine, William Wallace, and Brad Pitt. I couldn't live with myself after dominating them them so bad, so I vowed to hang up my headband, nun chuck's, and throwing stars forever. The next logical choice was to become a tattoo artist so I jumped on my puma and galloped to Cat Tattoo, where you can find me to this day splitting my time between tattooing, and training for judgement day, the zombie apocalypse, and Y2K.